The Truth About Marriage
I want a happy marriage. I want an epic marriage. Sometimes my marriage seems joy filled and vibrant. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Marriage. It looks like the fence seen above, on a property that we own. It isn’t straight or simple. It is wavy and can look a little messy. Some of it is solid and the posts are sunk deep. Some of it is in need of repair. That repair might be just a little sanding and new stain. That repair might be a tearing down and rebuilding.
Marriage is a moving, breathing thing. We have to be willing to constantly evolve, individually and together.
Perfection is in constant transformation.
My almost 34 years of marriage has included depression, addiction, mental illness, rehab, struggles with sex, a complete deconstruction and reconstruction of faith, drama and trauma around our business, disappointments, major vocation changes, moves, loss of church community, and minor irritations and annoyances.
My marriage has also included shared accomplishments and successes, great sex, the birth of 3 children, celebrations of our children and their accomplishments and milestones, career advancements, lifestyle advancements, weddings, additions of sons-in-law, beauty, fun, warmth, epic moments, empathy, compassion, magical moments, understanding, adjustments, grace, mercy…and much love.
Marriage. I would say for 100% of us, it is not perfect.
Perfection in marriage is learning to be ok with the imperfect. It is backing off a little and not making the other fit your mold. It is allowing the other the honor of their own journey.
Perfection in marriage is taking a deep breath and letting go of things being held too tightly. Let’s name it. That would be the C word….CONTROL. Let go. Release and surrender. Allow. Respect your partner’s personal journey. Consider this - stop trying to MAKE it the way YOU want it.
I know. This isn’t always so easy and sometimes we don’t even know we are doing it.
Definitely, a step toward a more perfect marriage is releasing the resentments of past mistakes. Forgiveness will be necessary. And let’s admit it…you too are capable of mistakes.
A marriage that is rich is one that looks at the other partner and honors the difficult things and the beauty. It is being kind and loving as we age together. It is touching and loving the skin that is starting to sag a little, that is growing wrinkly, getting a little cushy, and losing hair in places where it’s wanted and getting hair in places it’s not wanted!
And most definitely in a healthy marriage, having grace with your own mistakes and sitting with the other in their mistakes, is a necessity. It requires much compassion, empathy, grace and mercy.
Think about this…
Marriage isn’t the end point of a relationship. It is two people continuously ascending to higher levels…together. It is the evolution of two souls who have decided to share the journey of life, together…always growing, through many mistakes and many successes.
PERFECTION in marriage IS in the constant personal transformation of each individual.
Marriage IS a moving, breathing thing.
Marriage doesn’t stay constant. It is taking a look at how our patterns of stress and personality impact each other. It’s about constantly growing together, always evolving to a new level…a new way of being together and being with the world.
Here are 3 thoughts to move you in the direction of a more joy filled and vibrant marriage:
1. BE PURPOSEFUL. Pay attention. Notice. Relationships take a lot of work. They don’t self-maintain. Our homes need constant upkeep. As do our cars, jobs, etc.
2. GET TO KNOW YOURSELF. You can’t grow yourself if you don’t know yourself. What rules have you made for yourself? Why? What is at the root of your need to control? Is it fear? What are your values? Who are you as a human? Contact me and I can give you some suggestions that can help you in this quest.
3. GET AWAY. TOGETHER. INTENTIONALLY. Go on a marriage retreat. Find someone who has a dedicated marriage experience that can grow you, your partner, and your relationship.
If you are looking for a little more of what perfection in your marriage/relationship might be, come for a retreat at Your Awakened Life @ Casita de la Vida. Come together and explore what it would look like to evolve together.